RULE: The messages we give young people shape how they see themselves — so choose them wisely.

 Working with teens means navigating a world where emotions run high, independence grows fast, and the stories they tell themselves about who they are can shift by the hour.  The way adults communicate during these years matters more than we sometimes realize.  Our words become the lens through which students interpret expectations, relationships, and even their own worth.  In essence, we are teaching them everything (not just academic content).  When we offer clarity, empathy, and consistency, we help them build a healthier internal narrative — one that strengthens the culture of our schools.

Early in my career, I learned this the hard way.  I was dealing with a strong‑willed student who challenged every rule I set.  One afternoon, exhausted and out of patience, I shut down the conversation with the classic line: “Because that’s just how this works”  It ended the argument, but it didn’t build understanding, it built a frustrated kid.  Teens don’t need us to win the moment — they need us to explain the why behind our decisions so they can internalize expectations and develop their own values.

I saw a similar dynamic play out years later when a student reported that a peer was teasing her.  Another adult brushed it off with, “He’s just being mean because he likes you.”  The student’s face said everything — confusion, embarrassment, and a little bit of hurt.  That moment reminded me how easily outdated messages can distort a young person’s understanding of relationships.  When we minimize their feelings or frame disrespect as affection, we unintentionally teach them to tolerate behavior that doesn’t honor their dignity.  Instead, acknowledging their emotions and helping them problem‑solve provides them an objective perspective on the world.

These interactions — the quick responses, the explanations we choose to give or not give, the way we validate or dismiss feelings — all accumulate.  They shape how students see adults, how they see each other, and ultimately how they see themselves.  Culture isn’t built only in assemblies or celebrations; it’s built in these micro‑moments of communication.

Crux of the Rule: Culture grows from the messages students internalize.  When we replace outdated responses with clarity, empathy, and respect, we help young people develop healthier beliefs about themselves and others.  Those beliefs become behaviors, and those behaviors become culture.

My Practical Advice:  Replace phrases like, “because I asked you to,” “that’s not how this works,” and “that’s just the way it is,” with actual explanations – they go a long way and will actually help YOU understand why we do things (or maybe why that thing should change!)